10 Common Myths and Realities

1. She's not in the mood - she must not be attracted to me anymore.
There are so many reasons why a woman's desire for sex changes that have absolutely nothing to do with her level of attraction to, or love for, you. Unfortunately there is a gap between what scientists have learned about our libido and what is common knowledge among the general population. For example, certain types of birth control, depression, some anti-depressants, stress, childbirth, and certain medications can cause changes in our hormones and other biochemicals that lead to significant decreases in our desire for sex. If she says that you are not the problem, believe her and look for other explanations -- and solutions.

2. You have to sacrifice great sex in order to stay in a long-term relationship.
Yes, there are many physical, biochemical, and external events that cause our sex drives to decrease as our relationships mature. But that certainly doesn't mean that there has to be a trade-off between great sex and a long-term relationship. In fact, couples have learned that as time goes on, sex can be even better than it was during the early days of their relationships. With a little understanding about how our libidos function, couples can bring passion back into their relationships whenever they want it.

3. If he was a good lover, he would know what I like.
Only if he's a mind reader! Everyone has different preferences and those preferences often change. It's important to find ways to communicate each other's likes and dislikes; in fact good sexual communication is the number one predictor of great sex.

4. Men always want sex and women don't enjoy sex as much as men.
These are cultural stereotypes that often don't fit reality. There is a wide variance in sex drives among men and among women. While it is true that men can have as much as 40 times the level of testosterone as do women, men are also affected by stimuli that can alter the body's chemistry and diminish desire for sex. Sadly, because of these stereotypes, when a man's desire for sex is less than his partner's, the negative effects on the self-esteem of both partners can be significant. Fortunately, couples can benefit from activities that boost levels of testosterone and other biochemicals that trigger an increase in sex drive.

5. We're parents now and all of our attention needs to be focused on the children.
This is one of the biggest misconceptions of new parents, and it can lead to several problems. It's very important that couples nurture their romantic relationships, even if that means scheduling time to do so. Women especially need to learn self-care strategies, which can help them be more emotionally available to their children. When couples give their relationship the time and attention it needs, their children benefit as well.

6. You can only have sex if both partners are in the mood.
Not true. It is common for one partner to want more sex than the other, but couples can reach a happy medium so that one partner isn't feeling rejected and unsatisfied. Sexual intimacy provides several benefits to each individual as well as to the relationship as a whole, and developing healthy ways to accommodate both partners is not only possible, but also advantageous.

7. She didn't orgasm; I must be doing something wrong.
Only 29% of women orgasm through intercourse. Many others orgasm through G-spot and/or clitoral stimulation. And even those who frequently orgasm say that they don't have to orgasm every time to enjoy sex. If you're assessing your performance based on whether or not she had an orgasm then you are setting yourself up for disappointment.

8. We have great sex now; there's no reason for that to change.
Unfortunately, there are many reasons why the quality and quantity of sex can diminish in a relationship, even if the relationship is healthy and loving. Couples should anticipate natural biochemical changes and not worry that these changes indicate something is wrong with them or their relationships. With preparation, these predictable changes can be counteracted so that their passion and desire can be as strong as ever.

9. Sex is for young couples.
Yes it is. But it's also for couples in midlife and older. According to several surveys, not only do couples continue to have regular sex in their 60s and 70s, but one-fifth of women and more than one-fourth of men are having sex in their 80s! Furthermore, many report that it gets better as they age! As an added bonus, scientists have discovered that sex can actually slow down the body's aging process.

10. When they make "Viagra" for women, all our problems will be over.
Many companies are hard at work trying to develop a "female Viagra". The problem is that Viagra helps men with arousal, whereas many women find problems with desire. A drug that increases your ability to get aroused physically will not solve the problem if you're not in the mood in the first place. Fortunately, by activating those internal biochemicals that naturally increase desire for sex, we don't have to wait for a magical drug in order to boost our libidos! It's already in our bodies, just waiting to be turned on.

Order "Seduce Me!" and find out how to activate your body's chemistry to create desire and passion: