1. What Happened?

Remember in the beginning of your relationship when you couldn't keep your hands off each other? When you could hardly concentrate on anything because your mind was always on your partner? When all you had to do was think about your partner and you became aroused? 

How often do we hear, "Before, I didn't have to work to get her in the mood. She wanted sex as much as I did! I still do, but she's changed"?

What happened? Where did the passion go?

Many couples worry that they're no longer attracted to one another and begin to fear that the relationship is in trouble. What isn't well known, however, is that there is a scientific explanation for some of these changes and there may not be anything at all wrong with their relationships.

Our body's chemistry changes during the course of a love relationship and it is these chemical changes that dramatically affect our desire for sex. When we're in the initial, or infatuation, stage of a relationship, several chemicals are coursing throughout our bodies changing the way we think, act, and feel.  Scientists have discovered that during infatuation, our bodies increase production of dopamine, norepinephrine, and phenylethylamine (PEA). These natural chemicals combine to cause us to feel what scientists call a "love high.” In addition to increasing our desire for sex, they cause our bodies to have

•        Racing hearts, dilated pupils and sweaty palms

•        Feelings of euphoria

•        Obsessive feelings towards our partner

•        Decreased hunger

•        Problems sleeping

•        Blindness to our partner's flaws

Sound familiar? Remember staying up all night on the phone with your new love trying to talk each other into being the first one to hang up the phone? "No, you hang up first." It wasn't that you'd both suddenly become the most brilliant chatters on earth that kept you on the phone all night, it was these infatuation chemicals that caused you to feel a love high whenever you connected with your new partner.

We've all witnessed the powerful effects of infatuation on our friends as well. I recall the reaction of one of my friends, who was "madly in love" with her new boyfriend, to his gift to her of a new Harley Davidson toilet seat cover. "Isn't that the sweetest present?" she gushed dreamily. Hmmm, sounds suspiciously like the work of certain infatuation chemicals.

Falling in love is such a wonderful feeling:  from the ever-present smiles on our faces to the instant arousal whenever we think of our new partners. We fondly remember the passionate sex of the beginning, but we forget how much time we spent thinking and daydreaming about our new loves. In fact, romantic love triggers in us similar biochemistry to that of people with obsessive-compulsive disorder, according to Dr. Helen E. Fisher of Rutgers University. Her research (as cited in Barclay, 2001) reveals that this biochemistry results in some of us spending up to 85% of our waking hours thinking about our new partners! 

No wonder we could hardly get anything else done during that stage! 

Eventually we move out of the infatuation stage to the enduring love stage. This takes place usually between six months and three years into our relationships, along with a decrease in the chemicals that caused us to feel powerful love highs and instant sexual desire for one another.

At this stage, different chemicals take over and our love becomes deeper and richer. We nurture each other and develop a comfortable attachment. In this stage, we become more intimate, sharing our true selves. Our hormones don't drive our passionate sex as much as our feelings of connectedness (Liebowitz, 1983).

In addition to the drop in the infatuation chemicals, several other biological changes begin to interfere with our sex drives. In her remarkable book, The Alchemy of Love and Lust (1996), Dr. Crenshaw discusses several of the hormones that affect our libidos. She helps us understand that various chemicals have significant effects on our desire for and enjoyment of sex. Some affect men more than women and vice versa, and some increase our desire while others decrease our desire.

One culprit is the hormone prolactin, which is known to decrease desire for sex among both men and women. Many couples report a sharp decline in their sex lives after having children and prolactin may be a primary reason. During pregnancy and nursing, prolactin increases considerably, as much as 10 times the normal level! 

Another major sex drive destroyer is the hormone progesterone. Progesterone inhibits our desire for - and enjoyment of - sex (Meston & Frohlich 2000, Crenshaw 1996). Progesterone levels fluctuate during a woman's menstrual cycle and pregnancy. Its synthetic form is the primary ingredient of Depo Provera, Norplant, and several oral contraceptives, and is given during hormone replacement therapy in menopause.

Progesterone has such a negative impact on our sex drives that it has been dispensed to criminals as a form of chemical castration! How many women are deeply troubled by their lack of sexual desire and wonder what's wrong, when the cause might easily be the negative effects of their choice of birth control? 

Stress is another factor that causes changes in our libidos. Remember that prolactin, which increases during pregnancy and nursing, has a strong negative impact on our desire for sex. Prolactin also increases during times of psychological stress, and is so effective in reducing our libidos, it can even cause impotence.

Stress also lowers our levels of dehydroepiandrosterone (DHEA) and testosterone. Because these are two hormones that increase our sex drive, stress has a twofold negative impact by increasing a hormone that lowers our sexual desire, while lowering the level of two hormones that increase our sex drive.

Linda doesn't realize that her worrying about not meeting her husband's sexual needs is actually exacerbating the problem. The more she worries and stresses about him leaving, she is provoking changes in her hormones that lower her sex drive even further.

It's no wonder that couples start wondering what happened. Birth control, financial worries, work stress, illness, childbirth, and relationship problems all affect certain hormones in our bodies that decrease our desire for sex.

Men and women think something is wrong with the relationship because they don't feel the same instant arousal as they did before. But as you can see, it may just be a matter of biochemistry. 

Regardless of the causes, however, it doesn't mean that the passion in long-term relationships has to end. In fact, as you will soon learn, sex can be better than before and as passionate as ever.

Order "Seduce Me!" and find out how to activate your body's chemistry to create desire and passion: